I can sit still for extended periods of time. I’m not in danger of failing any of my classes. I’m responsible and work really, really hard. But believe it or not, I have ADHD.
If it seems weird to you that a functioning Berkeley student could have Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, you’re in good company. When I first got diagnosed last semester, few of those close to me believed it. My brother asked me what I was playing at, if I was just taking Adderall to get high or to get skinny or to get into Harvard Law. One of my friends raised her eyebrows and said, “Sally, I don’t think you have it any worse than anyone else.” Because I don’t act like the dogs in Up (squirrel?!), I can’t possibly have ADHD.
ADHD is ruff.
For most medical disorders, people tend to trust doctors’ opinions. Although I was physically fit when I got diagnosed with asthma after one fatefully brutal softball practice at the age of 8, nobody questioned the diagnosis. This isn’t the case with mental disorders – one can test off the charts for ADHD, as I do, and people will still doubt the diagnosis.
Because they occasionally would rather watch Real Housewives than Bio 1A webcasts, some people think they understand what it feels like to have focus issues. And if they can deal with it, it’s hard for them to understand how anyone wouldn’t be able to. If a young patient is bouncing off the walls with unfocused energy, he’s just being a kid and all he needs is a couple more years to mature. If a young patient does okay in school and isn’t hyperactive, she, in the words of my friend, “doesn’t have it any worse than anyone else” and should just stop complaining.
It’s uncomfortable to put chemicals in your body if you don’t absolutely need them, so I get that it can seem weird that I medicate for ADHD when I’m not failing out of school. This is why people don’t think I have it, and why I’m writing this article. ADHD can affect one’s life in significant, but often misunderstood, ways.
In the last two years, I caused two fender benders and spent $1000 worth of babysitting money on traffic tickets, not because I was sleepy or texting, but because I was so unable to concentrate on the road that I just didn’t see the red lights and other cars. Not only does ADHD affect my driving, it affects my navigation. I couldn’t find my way home from high school until sophomore year because I was unable to focus on the route my mom took driving to school.
Organization is also much more difficult with ADHD. I ran on Berkeley time before I ever came to Cal because I couldn’t keep track of where I needed to be when, and this cost me the grades I was otherwise capable of achieving when I’d show up late to final exams, professional opportunities, and important meetings. I also have a hard time organizing my possessions. I’ve lost every cell phone I’ve ever owned, and I’ve gone through three Cal1Cards just this semester. It’s expensive and disheartening to constantly have to buy replacements.
And then of course, there were all the phone calls home to my parents growing up, the “additional comments” on my report cards, the muttered remarks as I packed up my books after class. She’s so brilliant, why won’t she apply herself? Immature.Disrespectful. Lazy. You can only hear the same thing so many times before you start to believe it.
In spite of all this, I kicked ass in high school and more or less managed a Cal courseload. I never got a single B before Berkeley, and though when I got to Cal school got harder and my grades began to suffer from my inability to absorb lectures, make it through readings, and manage my time, regular all-nighters and my solid educational background kept my GPA above a 3.5, not exactly a red flag that I needed help. In the views of those close to me, my academic success overshadowed the difficulties my ADHD caused me, so to them, I didn’t have a serious problem.
It’s true that if I stopped treatment for ADHD, I would probably still graduate, get a job, and function as an independent adult. But I would feel so not in control. With the help of Adderall and frequent communication with a specialist, I can actually keep track of my commitments, possessions, and assignments, and I’m no longer a threat to public safety on the road. I feel like everyone else, able to remember what the professor talked about in lecture, able to get through readings in a timely manner, able to feel competent and capable. I finally turn in work I’m proud of, and my GPA is an accurate representation of my ability to master the topics of my courses.
I might need some extra help sometimes, but I can do it. Therefore, I don’t want anyone’s pity. I just want them to understand. I just want to be able to take 10 mg of Adderall at GBC or Main Stacks without getting judgmental looks from classmates who assume I’m abusing it. I want my friends to not make fun of me for being a terrible driver. I want my high school calculus teacher to stop using me as an example on back-to-school night of how not to study.
The world isn’t designed for people with ADHD. Lectures, readings, schedules, jobs, and traffic laws are all made with the way most people think in mind. So be patient with those of us whose minds operate on a different wavelength – sometimes we have to sprint forward just to stay in the same place.
