Recently, whenever someone would come up to me on the street and be like, “Hey, Taran, if there was one thing that this world needs to be prosperous, what would it be?” I would immediately answer with, “Hey, stranger, that’s a great question! A great question that has a simple and sole answer: the sassy, Louis V-wearing diva offspring of Kimye is what this world needs to be prosperous, that’s what.” You’d be surprised how often that happens; people are so curious these days, bless their hearts.

News of Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy with Kanye West’s baby emerged a few weeks ago only to be received by incredulity and controversy. But, to be honest, I’m not really sure how we’ve been carrying on with our lives without this Kim feat. Kanye collabo, which is now crowned as simply “Kimye”—think Brangelina, but less attractive.

This is a simple solution to all of those gaping holes that currently plague our world’s posterity—peace, financial stability, morality, health. I mean, those holes can easily be covered up and filled by the assuredly monstrous booty-licious maximus behind of their child.

Imagining all the ridiculous possibilities and scenarios of their kid’s future life is a past time that I have recently realized is one full of hilarity and entertainment.

Picture being in Lil Kimye’s fifth grade class. Every time he doesn’t understand something, he’d let out a loud and indignant “huuuaaahhhh?!” just as his old man taught him. Or, every time he answers a question right—which, let’s be honest, would be ever so frequent due to, um, the overwhelming intelligent gene pool he is coming from—he’d throw up the Roc/Illuminati hand sign made famous by ‘Ye and Jay and sing in a pitchy and pretend Auto-Tuned voice, “I’m amazingggg, so amazingggg.”

For show-and-tell he’d bring in a tape containing the footage of how his mommy became famous and then would precede to be sent to the principal’s office where he would rant about how the school administration doesn’t care about black people like him. He’d wear darkly tinted shades at all times to the dismay of his teachers and expensive leather jackets. He’d rap at the school talent shows every year, leading all the kids to ask their parents, “What’s a gold digger and why is she trying to take Lil Kimye’s money? I thought you weren’t supposed to steal, Mommy,” the night after.

Once he’s a little older, people aren’t going to understand why he’s failed his driving test thirty times in a row. I picture him shrugging his shoulders and being like, “Well, like, you know, Dad, it’s your fault for putting out that song ‘Mercy.’ You keep telling people to swerve, so that’s just what I did!” His prowess as master swagster will peak in his teen years, as he pedantically lists off the luxurious designer names that he is currently wearing in the high school hallways, as all the onlooking girls swoon and wonder over the prospect of him being able to speak Italian.

Oh, but what if this star by birth is a girl?

She’d be the overly promiscuously dressed date to her sixth grade graduation dance. All the parents would cast sideways, disapproving glances at her lace and low-cut dress, while Kim yells out posing directions behind the flash of a massive Nikon. Her freshman health class will be stifled into uncomfortable silences and eye-rolls as she explicitly recounts her sexual escapades. She’d be one of those girls that obnoxiously ends every sentence in a questioning inflection—wait, so, did you have pizza for lunch or not?—and get in ferocious nail-wielding catfights with her classmate that said her medi-pedi was just so not fetch. Then she’d continue to break down in a sappy, messy, running mascara-riddled crying fit with a video camera there to catch the whole event closely.

Which brings us to the reality television show dynamic. I picture viewers desperately trying to catch up with every one of the family members’s views of the newcomer and all the behind the back talking that is going to go on while the proud parents boast how she was voted “Most Outrageous Body Part” in her school yearbook due to her enormous bedonkadonk. Her Uncle Lamar is going to have to use his entire strength to resist slapping her across the face at family dinners due to her gossiping and the mere noise of her voice; people watching will be kept at the edge of their seats to see who snaps first, and, oh, what a joy that will be when one of them finally does.

Regardless of how this upcoming super child turns out to be like in reality, it is guaranteed to be entertaining. Sit back, enjoy, and take it light-heartedly, for the battle between Lil Kimye and Jay and Bey’s Blue Ivy is about to begin.

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