The Nice Guy: Where We All Go Wrong

“I don’t believe this! Now we’re dumping guys for being too available!” Charlotte York proclaimed during the third season of Sex and the City. Carrie does not end up dumping the guy in question, but Charlotte’s exasperated sentiment is one that I can certainly identify with. The “nice guy” has been typified in movies, explored in Cosmopolitan articles, and appeared as a guest star in about 572 million girl talks over brunch. There are, however, two major problems in the perception of the “nice guy” stereotype.

One of these problems originates on the male side of the story. I have heard many guys proclaim, “I’m so nice – why doesn’t she want to date me?” I have heard friends tell stories about their male friends – or male partners – who complain about how they are never rewarded for their “niceness.” This entire idea completely befuddles me. Being nice (which for the sake of this article we shall define as respectful, considerate, and understanding) is a baseline trait. Being nice is a basic human requirement, not an accomplishment that deserves a reward. Being nice is an expected quality, not a surprising and promising addition to a guy’s repertoire of characteristics. Basic niceness comes far before humor, spontaneity, and confidence on the “personality trait priority” list, as well as the “relationship qualifications” list.

I’m about to say something that might shock you: nice guys do not, as purported, finish last. Being nice does not render you incapable of finding and/or keeping a girlfriend, and it does not knock you down a peg in a girl’s mental checklist of “boyfriend” qualities. There are many other qualities that may be perceived as negative, but I doubt that any of these includes the fundamental level of respect that most women expect. Helping a girl move into her apartment, walking her home at night, or even carrying her suitcase up the stairs does not entitle you to a relationship, a kiss, or even a gold star. Furthermore, if you are acting nice in order to reap the rewards, then you are not actually nice. That qualifies as self-serving, not sincere.

The second part of the problem, however, is on the female side. There are some women who break up with or simply don’t date guys who they consider to be “too nice.” The saying “nice guys finish last” did not come about on its own; all it took was one loud-mouthed girl who dumped her boyfriend for being “too nice” for the male population to start viewing niceness as a debilitating trait.

But this is an essentially flawed interpretation. Women don’t break up with guys because they respect them too much. Women break up with guys for a multitude of factors and personality traits, some of which are correlated with being a “nice guy.” Some women view “niceness” as a symptom of being too boring, too safe, too passive, or too tame – and as the age-old (and trite) saying goes, girls like “bad boys.” However, those traits are not the same thing as “niceness.” A guy who is respectful of your body, understanding of your problems, and considerate of your personal opinions is not necessarily a bore, a prude, or a couch potato. Being spontaneous, interesting, and confident is not mutually exclusive of having fundamental human decency. The most frustrating part of this whole debacle is that these same women will then move on to the next guy and claim that he’s too much of an a******. They make it extremely difficult for guys to understand how to act by playing the Goldilocks of relationships.

There is also a vast difference between being nice to a girl and putting her on a pedestal. Treating a woman like a delicate flower who requires constant care, sunshine, and watering can truly be alienating. While this may not have been the case decades ago, women do not need to be “cared for.” Women have established their independence; they take pride in it, and overly enthusiastic, archaic chivalry is not equitable with niceness. I’m not saying that you should never open a door for a woman and slam it in her face. I’m saying that there are some women who are repulsed by the notion of being glorified or elevated. It can represent for them an unwanted return to obsolete gender notions and courting rituals.

The “nice guy” quandary is not a simple one. There are several sides to the story, and it seems as if all sides are at fault for perpetuating an incorrect and unflattering stereotype. Niceness is greatly appreciated, and expected, from all parties in a relationship. Rewards will not be doled out for adhering to rudimentary standards of human decency. And for the love of G-d, girls, please stop referring to guys as “too nice.” You’re ruining it for all of us.