Ten Plagues: Berkeley Style

Ahhh, spring. The birds are singing, the youth are frolicking, and the bread BETTER NOT be leavening.

Passover is in the air folks, and that means that while most people are hunting for Easter eggs I’m hunting for an alternative to my college diet of pizza, pasta, and sandwiches. I’m not complaining, though; Passover means spending time with my family and serves as a reminder of why I’m never ever going on a no-carb diet.

The lessons of Passover are timeless. We must continue to strive for freedom for all people, and remember our history of oppression in order to value the liberties we have today. But sometimes it can be difficult to relate a holiday that discusses centuries-old events to the present day. Pharaoh, who? 40 years in the desert, what? Hadn’t anyone heard of Zipcar?

Thus, in an effort to make this week-long holiday more relatable for my Tweeting, Honey Boo Boo-watching peers, I have translated a central element of the Passover Seder, the Ten Plagues, into a context that any Golden Bear will appreciate.

 

1. Beer turning into water.

While the original plague was the water of the Nile turning into blood, this plague is arguably much, much worse, especially if one is a participant in Berkeley Greek life. Just imagine…someone’s about to do a keg stand, and all they’re drinking is plain ol’ H20? The horror! To quote everyone’s favorite AEPi rush t-shirt, let my people bro!

 

2. Frogs on Memorial Glade.

Finally, a beautiful sunny day! The sky is clear, the air is fresh, and the bees are pollinating and stuff. I have an idea, guys, let’s go to Memorial Glade and play some Frisbee! That sounds like fun! Here, pass! Wow, I’m having the time of my life, I’ve been studying so hard, it feels good to be outsi – wait. EW! Was that a frog I just stepped on? That’s it, back into Main Stacks, I’m never going outside again.

 

3. Dorm Lice.

Just when you thought that communal living couldn’t get any worse than having to share a bathroom with that 35 year old transfer student, it does. On the bright side, at least you and your floormates can bond with your super trendy pixie cuts!

4. Infestation of the co-op food supply.

 

When I said I wanted to live equally with others, I didn’t anticipate that the neighborhood flies would be included. But I’m open-minded!

 

5. Pestilence on our sports teams.

Picture a wave of sprained ankles, sub-standard GPAs, and failed drug tests decimating our athletic departments across the board. Pac-11 just doesn’t have that nice of a ring to it, but plagues will be plagues.

 

6. Incurable acne.

Just call it Acnegeddon 2013, folks. You thought your skin troubles were over once you tossed that high school graduation cap in the air, but boy were you wrong. (Side note: this plague may be a conspiracy involving Neutrogena, whose sales will skyrocket following the aforementioned Acnegeddon.) (Side-side note: I am partially hoping this plague actually occurs because I am quite proud of the term Acnegeddon. And I am a Neutrogena shareholder.)

 

7. Craaaaappy weather.

I thought moving to California meant I didn’t have to deal with this stuff! My umbrella from Daiso keeps breaking…

 

8. Locusts.

I couldn’t think of an undergad-appropriate analogy for this one, and it still sounds pretty scary, so I just left it as is.

 

9. No Wi-Fi.

This is worse than all the other plagues combined, probably. What are we supposed to do instead? Talk to people? READ?!

 

10. Death of the first GPA.

RIP, 4.0, it was nice knowing you. Maybe I should go roll down some more hills to try to bring you back from the dead. Seems unlikely, though, resurrection is more of an Easter thing.