FollowThe other day I saw a tragically hilarious bike collision between two Computer Science majors. Both were sporting backpacks as large as themselves and upon impact all of their books and papers flew up; a cloud of knowledge rained down upon them.
This incident got me thinking, haven’t you wondered where your modes of transportation stood on the Nerd-o-Meter? Read on to see if you’re excessively snobby, nerdy, or the perfect medium.
U-Wheels: Pretentious as Hell
These little boards have an “edgy” take on segways that makes life seem so much easier for their users. No longer must you look lame gripping the handles of the former; no longer is this reserved for annoying white people on touristy escapades. U-Wheels are trendy enough to have infiltrated our campus, one fuccboi at a time. So if you’ve honestly invested hundreds of dollars in purchasing this contraption, then you need to reevaluate your spending — and your life. Just walk goddamnit.
Cars: I Wish I Was You
If you own a car, you are everything I aspire to be. Driving to school sounds amazing; you don’t have to show up to class a sweaty puddle like the rest of us rabble. While we are away at school and rely on public transportation, the convenience of a car sounds so foreign and outlandish that simply thinking about driving to the grocery store brings tears to my eyes.
Skateboards: You’re Pretty Cool TBH
Okay, people on skateboards can be very hit or miss, but if you rock the board right then you could be the Sk8r Boi of Avril Lavigne’s (and my own) angsty dreams. Just don’t attempt to do some elaborate trick in the middle of campus; I’m trying to get to class, not to get your autograph, Tony Hawk. We’ve all seen someone try to do an Ollie and just fail miserably. So ride your boards with grace and confidence, and pedestrians will mentally thank and admire you.
Walking: You are Perfectly Average
I am proud to fall into this category myself. There’s no shame in using our prehistoric form of travel; walking is very economical, and you’ll get some leg muscle out of it by the end of the year- trust me. Berkeley has absolutely no room for jiggly calves. We’ve got our multitude of hills to thank for that.
Heelys: Weird but Lowkey… hmu
These people are truly a rare delight to witness. The other day I saw a guy heely down the hill by Evans and Pimentel and was genuinely surprised at the sheer joy that overcame me. This person has to truly be someone worth knowing, and every person in his life must be blessed by his mere existence. To wear Heelys one must possess a daring soul and simultaneously lack any sense of embarrassment. These qualities produce a gem of a human. So, if you own a pair please find me and talk to me… please.
Bikes: You People Scare Me
Bikers give me so much anxiety; am I supposed to go left or right? Should I just stay put? What the hell do they want from me? I see them coming in my periphery, I begin to sweat, and I obviously always make the wrong decision. To bikers who swerve around pedestrians like roadkill — I hope you people can live with yourselves.
Scooters: Ultimate Geek
Let’s be honest, this is the one you’ve all been waiting for. To all you scooter people out there: you do you, boo. You’ve come to the perfect place to nerd out, so go ahead and unleash that inner geek that lurks inside all of us Berkeley students. Relive your childhood through Sproul, and ride that scooter off into the sunset (or through the Engineering Department buildings).
Cover photo taken from: sustainability.berkeley.edu
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