It’s Not Me, It’s You: 5 Ways to up Your Game

Sometimes, it’s easy to tell why an attempt at romance doesn’t work out. Maybe you forgot her name, or worse yet, his major (your go-to pick up line, “Do you have 11 protons? Because you’re sodium fine,” may fall flat outside of the College of Chemistry). Other times, however, it’s not so obvious. For occasions such as this, I’ve compiled a handy list of ways I’ve witnessed guys go wrong in attempting to pick up girls.

1. “Yeah, I’m a pretty nice guy.”

Why guys think this works: People like nice people, both as friends and as romantic partners, so telling a girl you’re nice should make her want you.

Why this doesn’t actually work: If you’re a genuinely nice person, your actions should speak for themselves. Any guy who feels the need to tell a girl he’s nice makes her question the validity of the statement. Guys who make sure girls think they’re nice call to mind those guys who think being a nice person entitles them to hook-ups galore. These are the guys who greet women with a tip of the hipster fedora and a gravelly “m’ lady” and then, if no girls line up, complain that women never go for “nice” guys. Women do go for nice guys. If you find yourself whining that they don’t, maybe you’re just not nice enough.

2. “You’re so cute when you’re mad.”

Why guys think this works: Implying someone is cute is generally an acceptable method of flirting, and when done right, can be harmless banter. In addition, if a girl is mad, guys may think giving her a compliment will diffuse the situation.

Why this doesn’t actually work: While girls may appreciate being recognized as cute for absently chewing on pen caps or putting a little extra effort into their outfits, they will take offense to being called cute when they’re trying to be taken seriously. If they’re mad, they generally have a damn good reason, and calling them cute tells them you’re not really paying attention to what they’re saying. It’s nice to feel cute sometimes, but it’s amazing to feel like someone respects your opinion all the time.

3. “Guess how much I benched today. 300. Freaking. Pounds.”

Why guys think this works: “300 pounds? Oh my gosh, you’ve got to be the strongest boy on Piedmont Avenue. Would you mind if I felt your bicep?”

Why this doesn’t actually work: I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this isn’t just a thinly veiled attempt to brag about your physique (which should be unnecessary since your physique is on full display in that bro tank). Disregarding this, maybe you’re talking to a girl who loves to bench in her free time. In that case, go for it. But if you’re talking to a girl like me with such animosity toward gyms that she refuses to fork over $10 for an RSF membership, lifting is a poor conversation topic. Not only will we have no idea if the number of pounds you lift is impressive, we will be bored at the jargon you use. Go for interesting conversation topics over topics that make you seem buff.

4. “I swear, I’m like so sober right now.”

Why guys think this works: If they say this to you, maybe, just maybe, you won’t remember that two minutes ago they were hitting on their own reflection.

Why this doesn’t actually work: If you have to preface a declaration of sobriety with “I swear,” odds are you’re inebriated. It’s fine to safely drink in a controlled manner, and ideally, you won’t get to the point where someone questions your ability to handle yourself. If it does get to that point, please own up to it. You’re really not fooling anyone, kiddo. Only the strongest among us can handle our shit all the time. But if you can’t handle occasionally not handling your shit, you’ve got to go.

5. “Hi, I’m not going to mug you or give you a flyer, but I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”

Why the guy who sprinted across Sproul to tell me this last semester thought this would work: I’m not completely sure. Maybe because it was a sweeping, dramatic gesture that showcased his confidence?

Why it didn’t actually work: Beyond the obvious point that it can be described as overly forward at best, let’s take a moment to examine his priorities. He values physical attractiveness enough in a partner to sprint across one of the least sprint-across-able places on campus to tell someone that. I don’t know, but I don’t think he would have done this in order to tell a girl he admired her philanthropic spirit after seeing her “I donated blood” t-shirt. If a boy sprints across Sproul for hotness but not for personality traits that matter more, his priorities are out of whack.

If these are hard to remember, here’s a general rule of thumb: just be nice, attentive, humble, considerate, and sober enough. And if you’re not sure if it’s an acceptable occasion to sprint across Sproul to talk to a girl, just play it safe and don’t. All in all, just treat girls as you would want to be treated. Girls are not from Venus, they’re humans, just like you.