So it’s Valentine’s Day, the day everyone has hyped up (or down) for the past few weeks. If you’ve already read Arielle’s remedies to ditch the Valentine’s Day blues and yet you still can’t stop your bitching, have no fear. I am here to exploit my friends’ pathetic, embarrassing, yet undoubtedly entertaining romantic escapades in the hopes of brightening this torturous day.

Anonymous Story #1:

Let’s call this first friend Sally. Sally had been subjected to the disrespectful, immature wrath of a tall, dark and handsome older male for quite some time now. Rather than ditch the bullshit and move on, Sally played along with his games, such as the time he called her over to his place at 3:30 AM. Sally, pathetically love-torn, got out of bed and proceeded to iron her hair and cover her face in a sheet of makeup to hide the rings of exhaustion under her eyes. Of course this wouldn’t be a proper booty call if it didn’t end in disaster. Accordingly, after waiting outside her man’s door for twenty minutes in a tummy-baring crop top, Sally concluded that she had been stood up by the booty-caller himself. As if this weren’t bad enough, she received a text the next morning saying, “Sorry, fell asleep. Come over now?” I regret to say that she was at his door in five minutes flat.

Anonymous Story #2:

This story is almost too cliché to publish, but I’ll suffer the lack of creativeness for the genuine entertainment value it offers. A good friend of mine, otherwise known as “Jane,” had finally met who she thought was the guy of her dreams. They were both interested in nutrition and exercise, had similar majors, and were even friends with many of the same people. Jane thought this was a match made in heaven. She and her man spent weeks together, going to yoga, getting dinner at SF Soup, and doing other couple-like things. However, after about a month he randomly stopped texting Jane and avoided her on campus. Jane was humiliated and even broke down in tears over her romance-induced distress. Eventually Jane found out this “dream guy” was cheating on her… with another guy. She should have known all along that the yoga and soup were red flags.

Anonymous Story #3:

This last story is for all the males out there that are feeling cheated by this article, as well as the feminists who are offended by the overabundance of pathetic female protagonists. Don’t worry, pathetic things happen to guys as well! Just look at my friend John Doe. His innocent crush on a girl who would never reciprocate the admiration led him to do some crazy things, such as stand outside her window and call her name in the hopes of looking like John Cusack a la “Say Anything.” This plan obviously backfired and John Doe was left scarred with inescapable “Lurker Status” among all of her friends. Even worse, at a party months later she fell all over him in an alcohol-induced haze, and ended the night by projectile vomiting all over his Nike sneakers. Now that one’s really one for the books!

I apologize if you are the star of one of these real-life melodramas and have shed tears all over your box of Russell Stover’s. On the bright side, look at this as an act of community service. You just brightened the day of one of our dear readers! And so, in the words of Kevin Gnapoor, “Happy holidays everyone!”

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