There are two things you never think you have to worry about when you grow up with a healthy amount of confidence in 21st century Northern California: sexism and finding a date to prom. Victims of sexism and solo slow dances aren’t like us, they are women in conservative, faraway countries and high schoolers who are painfully shy. However, when push came to shove, no one gave me flowers and wrote “Prom?” with post-it notes on my car, and people sometimes viewed me unfairly because of my gender.

In retrospect, I should have asked that nice boy from math class to prom, and I should have paid more attention to how my gender affects others’ perception of me. Had I paid attention I would have realized that, however subtle, modern sexism exists. It’s in the way that I have to choose how pretty to look for a job interview, because if I underdo it I’ll come off as indifferent, and if I overdo it I’ll be viewed as too hot to also be competent. It’s in the way I have to justify wanting to be a stay-at-home mom one day because people think I’m just playing into societal stereotypes of women without thinking for myself. And it’s in the current lexicon of American college students – in the words and phrases that so effortlessly roll off our tongues without us stopping to think about the implications.

Here are three expressions Cal could do without:

1) Man-whore. The word “whore,” though traditionally defined as one who receives payment for sex, presently means one who hurts others with his or her sexuality, such as by being unfaithful. Many people view the spin-off “man-whore” as empowering because it acknowledges that men can be whoreish (a trait generally associated only with women). However, by attaching the prefix “man,” one implies that the word “whore” is so inherently feminine it can’t even be applied to men without first being modified. The next time you encounter a cheater, call him a liar, call her a scumbag, and tell everyone you know about his or her Spongebob underwear, but stay away from any variation of the word “whore.”

Even Janice slips up sometimes.

2) Bitch. Remember when we were in third grade and we wanted to insult someone without getting in trouble for swearing? We’d euphemistically call him or her a female dog, thinking we were so clever for knowing the original definition of the B-word. There’s a problem with this, however: the word is an insult, and associating it with something feminine (a female dog) is harmful to women. Furthermore, this word is used in association with women much more than it is with men, and any word that attributes non-gendered negative personality traits to a particular gender creates poisonous stereotypes for that group of people.

The damage this word causes is not limited to women. Because this word is used to call out women with traditionally masculine attributes and men with traditionally feminine attributes, it punishes anyone who steps outside traditional gender roles. The female politician who refuses to compromise is a “frigid bitch,” while the male basketball player who wants to end practice early is a “whiny bitch.” This is because we think of aggression as masculine and physical weakness as feminine. We get uncomfortable when the roles are reversed, and that’s when the B-word comes out.

3) “That’s tits!” or “She’s/he’s got balls.” This one seems like it should be okay. As we’ve established, one should avoid words and phrases that assign any sort of negative connotation to a particular gender, so it would make sense to assume that the opposite is good: that we should associate positive meanings to genders. However, this is not the case.

Sure, it seems to make sense to call something that’s awesome “tits.” Tits are awesome, but tits are not more awesome than any other part of a woman. If there were colloquial expressions that praised other, nonsexualized features of female anatomy as well, this expression would be fine. As it stands, though, no one has ever said “That’s earlobe!” While praising a part of a woman is fine, praising a sexualized part while ignoring all the other parts implies that a woman is valuable for her sexuality above all else. Not okay.

Our other anatomical idiom is no better. When someone figuratively “has balls,” they are courageous. While this phrase is generally intended as a compliment, it is an insult to women. Because only men have balls, stating that balls are a prerequisite for courage implies that women aren’t capable of bravery.

So, yes: every gender identity and all their respective parts are great. But praising one gender or part above others is exclusive and constraining and should be avoided.

As champions of equality chase sexism out of the forefront of our society, it steals away to the shadows, taking sneakier forms that are harder to define, detect, and fight back against. One of the most effective hiding places is in popular slang. While most people who use the phrases in this article would never consciously discriminate against or stereotype any gender, their language allows discrimination and stereotyping to occur.

It was easy to just sit back and tell myself that surely someone would ask me to prom, but I had no guarantee anyone would, just as there’s no guarantee sexism will go away unless we do something about it. Although not everyone is able to single-handedly change minds, laws, and societies, we can all change the language we use.

Let’s do it together, one word at a time.

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