He’s Just Not That Into You Revisited

When I was fourteen I read Liz Tucillo and Greg Behrendt’s He’s Just Not That Into You and cried tears of joy at the end. I was thoroughly convinced that I was now liberated and could take control of my love life, as if my middle school “dating” experience (AKA having your mom drive you to the bowling alley, if you’re lucky) could ever compare to the seemingly endless tribulations of the college dating world I had not yet discovered.

The advice this best-selling self-help book gives is simply that when a guy is sending you mixed signals of any sort (i.e. he doesn’t call, he refuses to commit to you, he cancels last-minute), as much as you don’t want to believe it, he’s just not that into you. Although there are “exceptions to the rule” and extenuating circumstances that can explain his inconsistency, don’t count on it. You shouldn’t waste your time, make excuses for his behavior, or settle for sub-standard treatment.

In its purest form, this advice is both universal and timeless. We do all deserve to be treated with respect, and time is too precious to bestow upon unappreciative people. However, I’m no longer sure that this philosophy is applicable in the tedious world of frat parties, casual study dates, booty calls, and Late Night.

It doesn’t take an expert to observe that the college dating scene is a little twisted. Cosmopolitan’s article, “Why is College Dating So Screwed Up?” manages to pinpoint many of the relevant issues, most importantly that the new college dating culture is one in which “whoever cares less wins.” Thus, one can no longer rely upon the idea that so-called “mixed signals” are a sign of a guy’s apathy because casual and delayed text responses, refusal to discuss the status of your relationship, and/or general aloofness have become commonplace. Plus, those behaviors just as often seem to actually be a defensive maneuver to limit the embarrassment and hurt that often accompany rejection. But, in this situation, you can take control by making the first move and making your interest a little more obvious.

At least now, when someone doesn’t seem interested, you don’t get invested, you don’t get your hopes up, and you don’t let your guard down. But, even more scary is the opposite phenomenon that has become equally prevalent in the college dating scene – guys acting like they’re genuinely interested and like they appreciate you for who you are, when really they have no intention of texting you again let alone dating you.

Why did he earnestly refer to me as “the best cuddle buddy ever?” If he wasn’t interested, why the hell did he try to make plans with me? How can someone everyone describes as “such a good guy” actually be the devil’s spawn? And why would he tell me I’m beautiful only to later act like I’m repulsive? Those are the questions that leave me, and many others like me, having an existential crisis over a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. How do we save ourselves from heartbreak without becoming suspicious, calloused douchebags?

In the words of Katherine Henson, “Having a soft heart in a cruel world is strength, not weakness.” While this is true, and part of the solution might just be to continue to be open to love, to forgive the people who do you dirty, and to keep on putting yourself out there with the boldness of a female baboon and the poise of Jennifer Aniston, this can quickly become taxing for even the most unshakably confident people. The thing I’ve had to learn is that it’s perfectly acceptable to be skeptical. Someone who seems great on paper (or on a night when you’re a little tipsy) and stands out in the sea of apathy by showing, for once, a genuine interest in you can be just as fickle as the next guy.

For those of us who have been jilted by seemingly great people, perhaps we ought to try waiting until the third date (or at least the third interaction) to open up our hearts. We would save ourselves some hurt and some wasted time without putting our walls up so high no one can ever get over them. There is no simple answer or simple strategy, but whatever you do, I can assure you that you don’t need to feel ashamed for proceeding with caution or for falling hard. And, it’s still a good idea to immediately eschew those who don’t treat you right, and refuse to let the scumbags get the best of you. This way, you’re bound to find someone who is truly, consistently, and passionately into you.