FollowJoe was the first man to walk into my life. We met in the back room of a ritzy hotel on a rainy February morning. Tall, dark, and very rich, he knew how to turn a sweet schoolgirl’s heart into a supernova.
When he first touched my lips, my pulse stuttered, fluttered, and roared back into life. Heat blossomed from my belly, my pupils unclenched, and my face flushed tender and pink. That first time, I couldn’t stop shaking. Words stuck in my throat. I was terrified, but hooked.
After that, we started seeing each other, just casual dates at first, mostly café meetings or the odd formal dinner. Chance encounters. I promised myself it would stay casual. I didn’t have time for a man in my life.
But I still remember the day he moved in, how our mugs and spoons and other kitchen paraphernalia slowly commingled. His sweet morning breath woke me before the alarm. Sometimes, he’d bring me ice cream or brownies.
My parents protested our new lifestyle, but Joe was always misunderstood. He loved me. He only wanted to help. When I felt insecure about my body, he’d talk me through the appetite cravings. In the face of projects or unraveling essays, I would beg for a pep talk, a word of comfort. He stood by me in the face of crisis, a social and psychological – as much as physiological -stimulant and I was completely dependent.
We ate every meal together. Then he started following me to school, and every three hours he’d call to check up. I answered every time, forced a warm greeting around the headaches and nausea. Now I lie awake all night cursing him, but my body aches for him each morning. Throwing off the covers surpasses my strength. I crave him, think of him all the time, and it’s probably killing me.
The Whirlwind Courtship:
- THE COFFEE DATE: For those of you struggling to transition from the iced double-shot mocha Frappuccino with chocolate chips and cookie crumble and extra whipped cream to sailor coffee, the cappuccino is an excellent compromise. Remember warm milk when you were little? Milky-sweet, fluffy like a fresh pillow…order it dry if you want more foam, and feel no shame using a spoon to finish.
- THE FLOWERS: Caffea Arabica is related to the gardenia plant. Coffee fruits are called cherries.
- THE DINNER DATE: As barbecues across the nation flare up for summer, flaunt your originality with this spicy coffee rub. Beef holds up great against the strong taste of coffee in the rub. Pair it with cinnamon sweet potatoes and grilled veggies for a rounded-out summer meal.
- THE FIRST NIGHT: Try these espresso brownies from bakepedia.com. Hot and heavy, with just enough crunch around the edges, they really turn me on.
- THE ROMANTIC (capital R) POETRY: The Starbucks brand takes its name from Herman Melville’s classic novel Moby Dick. Ahab’s upright, courageous, level-headed first mate, Starbuck opposes the mad revenge mission from the start.
- THE MOVE-IN: Invest in a French press. No, it’s not a sex toy or an instrument of torture. You add boiling water to course-ground coffee, and then use the press to filter out the grounds. The flavor is more robust, the color is darker, and the liquid is more textured.
- THE FIRST SPAT: To sweeten the tongue-burning, taste-blunting charcoal flavor of Clark Kerr’s finest roast, drop in a peppermint candy or a pair of Hershey’s kisses. The sugary, slightly nutty flavor of soy milk also ameliorates the bitterness of dorm coffee.
- THE CANDY: The Coffee Río, Bali’s Best, and Nips brands provide a morsel of relief for both the average consumer and the jittery addict.
- THE SECOND SPAT: Unfair labor practices and the abuse of farm workers by land owners means that coffee can promote human rights violations and trap farm hands in poverty.
- AND IT GOT WORSE: Farming requires land. Duh. But most nations that farm coffee also house precious wildlife, especially rainforest biomes. Indonesia and the Democratic Republic of the Congo provide two such examples of coffee-exporters with incredibly diverse wildlife, yet the World Wildlife Fund reports that coffee contributes to horrific deforestation around the world.
- AND WORSE: In the developing world, coffee is the second most valuable export (oil being the hottest commodity). But as a natural resource, coffee exacerbates the infamous Resource Curse, where nations that profit off rural, non-industrial products like plant or mineral goods never industrialize and urbanize, thus stagnating their modernization and democratization.
- AND WORSE: The FairTrade Labeling Organization has attempted to tackle these issues with subsidized prices. If coffee beans meet certain environmental and human rights standards, FLO guarantees a price floor. This economic incentive serves to promote…fair trade. However, in practice, farmers sell FLO lower-quality coffee because the open market will not give as good a price as FLO. Issues of transparency mean that the extra profits may not reach the workers who need it most, undermining FLO’s main goal. Finally, the system ignores crucial influences of the digital age on agriculture and economics. It’s the best system we’ve got, but it’s not working. Further reading.
- THE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS: Coffee not only keeps you awake at night, but when you finally fall asleep, it affects your deep sleep, so that those precious hours of shuteye prove less restful overall.
The Break-up:
Last semester, I weaned myself off caffeine in time for dead week and finals. Surprised? Listen: the wild mood swings triggered when caffeine flooded and then flushed out my system damaged my performance more than the energy boosts could possibly help me. While this decision probably saved me from spontaneous combustion, getting “clean” required several days of civil war with my body – migraines, meltdowns, jitters, sleeplessness, lethargy, depression, confusion, stomach aches, and constant cravings plagued me as I attempted to purge myself of a drug more addictive than marijuana. Winter break did indeed break me, and three cups of breakfast joe are even now powering my fingers across the keyboard, but if you ever find yourself compelled to kick the coffee habit, here is how I survived withdrawals.
Don’t quit cold turkey. You will fail. Cut back slowly, limiting your coffee intake to one or two cups before noon. If you scale back your late-hour caffeine intake, your REM sleep will improve, helping you eventually abandon the morning cravings, too.
Drink water. It will reenergize you on a subtler, but ultimately healthier level.
Switch to decaf. It will always be a blow to pride. The cheaply abbreviated name alone feels like an insult, much less the implication that you, a mighty coffee fiend, can’t hold your poison.
Worse, the decaffeination process mangles the rich, complex flavor of a good roast.
Yet there is hope!
Spice up decaf with unsweetened cocoa powder, which for die-hard black coffee lovers preserves the characteristic bitterness and nuttiness while delivering a milder jolt.
And, as befits anyone post-breakup, eat lots and lots of coffee ice cream. Better yet, try this. An affogato – the name means “on fire” – is basically an Italian root-beer float. Ice cream drenched in espresso. It’s a pick-me-up, wake-me-up, shake-me-up, keep-me-up-all-night doozy, and Ici makes a great one.
So long, Joe. We had our fun, but my heart can’t take it anymore.
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[…] found me in the post-Joe withdrawals, and his gentle sort of loving coaxed me back to life. I guess it’s a bad idea to compare your […]