Are You Pleasure-Oriented or Goal-Oriented?

By Ada Lovelace · On April 25, 2014

Pleasure-oriented sex breeds satisfaction. Goal-oriented sex breeds anxiety. Now, please don’t be misled. Of course I’m a fan of the slow-buildup. Clit-teasing. Closing your eyes and losing yourself. Letting your mind wander into snapshots of your favorite fantasy. And your body intensely, suddenly pulling itself into these beautiful curves, as your mind drops everything but momentary pleasure. Unmistakable. A fleeting moment. One you savor as you drift into the peaceful endorphin-oxytocin-cocktail that evolution was kind (or smart?) enough to mix for you. Keep the tab open on that one, bartender, puh-lease and thank you.

Why is that moment so… well, orgasmic? Because you are in the moment and uninhibited, your insecurities far behind you. Your sense of time scatters as soon as you begin losing control. You are not focusing on how long it’s taking you to come. Incredible sex is a brief release from the continuity of time. (Discuss: Isaac Newton died a virgin.) In that toe-curling moment of escapism, you don’t think of the last two minutes, and if you’re like me, you can’t even gauge how long ago two minutes was. Your internal monologue shuts down and your body takes over – it knows what it wants. Put simply, you are in the moment. This is being pleasure-oriented.

But the truth of the matter is that only 25% of women orgasm during sex, for reasons almost unanimously psychological: Am I going to come this time? Should I fake it? Does my pussy smell weird? He’s rubbing my clit like he’s about to start a fire. I should really be studying. Does he notice that I get a double chin when I look down at him? Is my turned-on face not a turn on? Ooh that felt good. Ohhh my god, ohhhhmygoodddddd I think this is it I think I’m co – FUCK I LOST IT.

Guilt, shame, anger, and frustration with your partner also add to this. Not to mention that you have class in Etcheverry in 13 minutes.

But sex can be incredible when you don’t race to the finish line. When every languid kiss, lick, suck, and sigh is an end in itself, and you’re telling your partner how dirty and intimate it feels when he/she/ze goes that slow. Letting yourself open up to the moment creates endless opportunities to explore your ever-evolving, ever-expanding, ever-emancipated sexual self. And paradoxically enough, focusing less on orgasm (and more on momentary pleasure) is exactly what leads you to your “little death,” as the French call it. Yikes.

In the past, I almost never came with partners, and if they were super-persistent, I ended up faking it. Little did I know that they thought five minutes of fast and furious clit-rubbing would send me soaring into euphoric release, like that blonde chick on Brazzers. Now I’ll never act out the scene from When Harry Met Sally ever again, because I’ve realized that it leads to vortexes of miserable half-truths.

So, next time you find yourself focusing on trying (or failing) to come, try the following:

Take a deep breath and remember that sex is exploration, not a race.

Communicate. If you feel pressured by your partner’s good-willed yet ineffective persistence, tell them how good it would feel if they slowed down a little.

Open yourself up to feeling every momentary pleasure as much as possible.

Just let go and enjoy yourself. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, that’s totally fine. What matters most is that you feel satisfied with your experience and more comfortable in your own skin, and hopefully, a little closer to your partner. And remember, *nobody* ever loses from the solo time you devote to exploring what your body likes.