I’ve come to know my fair share of things in my one and a half years of residence on this fine planet. How to laugh. How to love. How to turn a crawl space into a nesting area and create copious amounts of offspring in it.

But if there is one piece of information that I, Thomas P. Raccoon (Tom for short, Tommy for a little longer but still shorter than the original option) have come to appreciate as a pure truth in this vast and baffling universe, it is this: trash is king.

“Why of course, Tom!” you say. “Of course you prioritize garbage above all else, you simple procyon! It is your main source of sustenance! Now kindly remove yourself from my backyard before I shoot you and turn you into a trendy hat!”

But oh, how wrong you are! I will not deny it; I am a mere mortal and thus require fuel to survive, and nothing can quite compare to the smell of 15-day old Cheeseboard in the morning. However, I value trash for far more than its nutritional value. All of your bills, papers, hopes, dreams, gas receipts, flash cards, severed heads, old newspapers… where do you think they end up?

Listen. I am but a simple creature trying to eke out his existence on this tiny marble suspended in space, but the quest for knowledge has given my insignificant life some sense of meaning. That and partially decomposed pit fruits. Dumpsters provide both. Hey, you have your classroom and I have mine. My midterms just involve slightly fewer key terms and slightly more maggots.

Lately, things have been heating up. Besides the run-of-the-mill scandals I’ve come across (yes, I’m talking to you, Loth resident who claims to be brewing your own kombucha… I saw those Synergy bottles), election season has made my forays even more interesting. As the old raccoon proverb goes, strange times, strange trash. My buddy down in Massachusetts was digging around behind some fancy-looking building and found binders full of women. (He helped them out, of course. Chivalry isn’t dead for all mammals.)

This is my first big election, and I’ve been doing some serious reading of late. Apparently every California voter is incredibly well-versed in local politics, because everyone has thrown out their official voter information guides… go figure! But that just means more resources for this humble member of society.

I don’t take my role as participant in one of the world’s largest democracy lightly, and I will do my civic duty and read up as much as I can before I step into that voting booth November 6^th. And although, as you gentle creatures love to point out, I am seriously lacking in the opposable thumb department, Wikipedia (or Wikipawdia, as we call it) asserts that our front paws are “extremely dexterous”.  Dexterous! Dexterous and democratic.

So, until next time, my benevolent hairless chums! Tune in next week for my analysis on the momentous decisions that await us. All I ask in return is that you have an open mind and put your $@#%&^%$ Chihuahua in a *%$&$*&^$ cage, please.

 

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