Last week I called out Taylor Swift on her increasingly age inappropriate behavior, and this week, I’ve got Justin Bieber in my cross hairs. Let’s embark on this journey together, sweet readers, with righteous (and somewhat unfounded) fury in our hearts.

Evidently, Bieber’s online “influence” scale ranking (as measured by Klout) is higher than that of Barack Obama or The Dalai Lama. What the HELL, you guys! That’s NOT ok!! Parents of America, this is your fault. Educate your children instead of letting them sit in front of YouTube all day long being hypnotized by the enormous diamond studs in Bieber’s ears. You know who should be revered by your children? Scientists! Mathematicians! Literary geniuses! The inventors of the Wonderbra! Not a male pop sensation that can barely string a sentence together! Come on parents, SACK UP!!

And why is Bieber lauded as being a teen heartthrob? His balls didn’t even drop until recently. (That’s not even a throw away comment. It’s factual evidence that I have garnered because I have been blessed with the ability to perceive sound and I have heard both “Baby” and “Boyfriend,” and my brain just connected the dots. I am a genius detective). It’s weird to me that a child – Bieber was roughly 15 years old when he first began polluting our airwaves – is an object of lust, and that the individuals lusting after him are even younger than he is. When I was a tween, I wasn’t thinking about how boys were cute. I was thinking about how Pokemon was far superior to Digimon, and that it was a shame that the creators of Digimon weren’t able to fill some of the gaps in their plot-lines because they really had a cool concept going (it obviously goes without saying that I was the most popular kid in my class). If the female 5th-graders of America must pine over a goofy looking pop singer, why does it have to be Bieber? Those British boys from One Direction seem to be much nicer and use the word “swag” with much less frequency.

Recently, nude photos surfaced that allegedly starred the Boy Wonder himself, and his rabid tween fan-base quickly denounced the validity of the photos. How and why, you may ask? Well, for starters, the photo in question was shot from the neck down, meaning Bieb’s face wasn’t in the frame of the photo. His legion of loyal Beliebers proclaimed that the belly-button of the individual in the photo didn’t belong to their sweet Elf Prince, therefore the photos could not possibly be of him. (As an aside – my computer underlined “Beliebers” in red and I thought, “Oh, I must have spelt that incorrectly.” IT’S NOT A REAL WORD DUMMY, USE YOUR HEAD). Parents, I’m going to have to point out your ineptitude again: if your pre-teen daughter can correctly identify whether a nude photo does or does not feature their favorite singer because they have intimate knowledge of his belly button, you have to restrict her internet usage. HAVE TO.

Whispers of a Bieber sex tape originated when the Wunderkind’s laptop and camera were stolen during a concert earlier this month. Throngs of screaming tweens waited with bated breath, but alas, poor Beliebers, your prayers were not answered. Turns out the stolen footage scandal was nothing but an elaborate hoax to promote the music video for Bieber’s collaboration with Nicki Minaj, “Beauty And A Beat.”

Much like his contemporary, Taylor Swift, Biebs doesn’t so much sing as he does squeal. In the video for “Beauty And A Beat,” Biebs forces out a series of long, high-pitched cries over an electronic beat – he’s an innovator, that Bieber. At several points in the song Justin shrieks, “We’re gonna party like it’s 3012 tonight.” WHAT? NO. I REFUSE. The only way I’m gonna party is like it’s 1999. Don’t test me, Bieber. Is nothing sacred? The most offensive part of this whole saga – the song sucks. And it has over 40 MILLION VIEWS. You guys, COME ON. THIS ISN’T OK. We as a society need to agree to raise our standards. Blood oath, anyone?

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