Taylor Swift is preparing to roll out another new album – Tween Christmas came early this year! – which inevitably means Miss “22 Going On 13” Swift will be making the media rounds and discussing her new material. And this in turn means we will inevitably all huddle together, consult the stars and ancient scrolls, and try our darnedest to dissect her lyrics in an attempt to determine which men have been caught in Taylor’s cross-hairs this time around.

The first time TayTay was publicly snubbed – and the nice doctors at Seattle Grace Hospital took time out of their busy schedules of continuous fornicating to repair the tiny little broken pieces of her heart with chicken wire and duct tape – we all said, “Oh my goodness! That Taylor Swift is so pretty and blonde and blue-eyed, like a freshly groomed poodle. How DARE that awful Joe Jonas and his eyebrows hurt her like that! He’s just a big-jealous-meanie and he resents her because he looks like Wolverine and will never be as blonde or blue-eyed as her!” But, after numerous public breakups and pointed tunes later, my patience with Taylor has run out. Please, please, PLEASE write about something other than how boys are such stupid jerks.

But maybe it’s just because Taylor has so many FEELINGS. She’s just full to the brim with feelings and emotions and butterflies that are threatening to burst forth from her like  a volcanic explosion that she just HAS to write them down in song format. SHE HAS TO. “I just can’t contain myself, ya’ll! I’ll simply wither away into a pile of pixie dust if I don’t subtlety (JK LOL, what does “subtle” even mean, ammirite?!?) allude to what big-fat-stupid-heads the slew of grown men I’ve been involved with are!” Taylor probably said when she was taking a break from painting rainbows by baking cupcakes. Hey, Tayskies, take a page out of my book and do what I do when I feel like I’ve been scorned: take a bath while simultaneously enjoying a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Therapy (who cares if it’s not socially acceptable, Ben & Jerry’s Salesperson With The Judgmental Eyes (Jr.), I don’t need your approval. I’m perfectly happy with the woman I’m becoming. Besides, eating and bathing at once is time efficient).

Taylor, you may not like hearing this, but the common denominator in all of your failed relationships is you. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, you’re the problem. Because sure, a lot of guys (and people in general) are awful, but not everyone can be awful. There have to be at least a few eligible men running around who aren’t horrendous. And maybe stop dating adult 30-somethings when you’re a 22 year-old who still believes in fairies and behaves like a pre-teen. Taylor croons in her new dub-step influenced song (a tipster at the Oracle of Delphi told me it’s most likely a diss track directed at John Mayer), “I knew you were trouble when you walked in.” Well, then, there you have it. I don’t care if John Mayer’s voice is velvety smooth and the guitar riffs on “Slow Dancing in a Burning Room” are wonderful, it’s common knowledge that the dude is the epitome of a playboy. Tay, you are the source of your own misery.

And just because Miss Swift isn’t overtly sexual, refrains from cursing, and doesn’t abuse drugs/alcohol does not mean she is a good role model for young girls. Young girls shouldn’t be learning that the only way to feel content is by being loved by a man, which, in my opinion, is the message Taylor is sending her fans. To describe yourself as “drowning” when a man breaks up with you is worrisome and not conducive to being strong or independent. Ladies, do what I do when a guys rejects me: denounce him as being an idiot (he didn’t even get my jokes anyway), throw yourself a short-lived pity party (emphasis on short) that revolves around eating a cheesesteak (emphasis on cheese), and then GET ON WITH LIFE. Prove to the world that women are intelligent members of society.

And while I generally dislike Taylor’s music (sorry Taylor, Jake was right. Indie records are much cooler than yours) I can’t deny the fact that her songs are catchy. At one point the song “Mean” was in my top 5 most played songs on iTunes (I was going through some rough shit, you guys, ok?? Don’t judge me). Her new song “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is just as exhausting as reading its title out loud. She whines and squeals about how awful Jake Gyllenhaal is, puts all the blame on him for their failed relationship, and WHAT IS THIS SORCERY WHY HAVE I LISTENED TO THIS 26 TIMES IN A ROW??? I have been mesmerized by the “Oooh Oooh Oohs.” So, like it or not, Taylor has figured out the magic recipe for creating radio friendly, mom-approved earworms and we won’t be rid of her anytime soon.

Oh, and apparently there’s a rumor floating around that she cheated on her 18 year old high school Junior boyfriend, Conor Kennedy, with his 19 year-old cousin, Patrick Schwarzenegger. Sigh. That’s enough out of you, Taylor. Go take a lap and cool down.

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